So many – too many – lessons in
humility. I'm competitive, sure, but mostly with myself. I'm lying.
I'm competitive. Even though the people I usually ride with are
faster than me. So if I beat someone I perceive as faster than me up
a climb, or someone I think descends faster than me on a descent,
it's a yardstick against myself but also a yardstick against my
progress versus them. Any gain is a measurement of success. I'll
never shove a pump through their spokes, but I am pleased if I have a
great day and somehow beat their best.
So when I have a string of 3 or 4 weeks
where I'm consistently getting my butt kicked on climbs, even if I'm
having a second-best time by mere seconds (depending on the length of
the climb), I feel like a Loser. Capital, Backwards L against the
forehead.
And, alas, this has been my mantra for
the past month. Sometimes I console myself by saying, “I'm riding
with people faster than me.” Which is true. If I dissect my rides,
I have a lot of personal bests in the first part of the ride and then
faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade. I've blown my legs
out. I know that if I persevere, eventually, I will get stronger. At
no small cost to my ego. But so many times in the past few weeks,
we've started out fast, I've faded in the middle to just barely
recover to finish. It's demoralizing. I'm sure my brake is rubbing or
my tire is flat. Why? Why?? WHY??? is this so hard? Yet, if I quit,
(a) it's a long walk back to the car and b) public shame and (c) I'll
never get stronger or faster and (d) public shame. Mentally, it takes its toll, but riding when you really, truly want to quit is what makes
you stronger in the long run.
I've been used to coasting. Somewhat
literal, somewhat not. And now I'm being pushed again and it hurts my
little brain and my big big ego. Even though I was never very fast, I
saw myself as strong. And riding with stronger riders has opened my
eyes. Reading back over prior posts, this need for comeuppance occurs
with a far too regular frequency. I'll often be faster than some but
always, always be slower than others. I hope that I am as gracious
towards my cycling friends who are struggling as my faster friends
are with me.
I bow my head, helmet in hands...
